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Back-to-school brings its own set of pressures. For kids, there can be anxiety about new teachers and friendships. For parents, concerns may include the cost of new "in" gear, scheduling all the extracurriculars and getting kids out the door every day. But in families where the parents have split up, there's more to balance with less time, money and energy and two households instead of one to manage. "It's a time of change, and any change is an added stress," says Zoe Eakle, a registered professional counsellor who is also a special-education assistant for the Greater Victoria School District. Typical issues can include budgeting for class trips or school activities school friends can afford, drop-off and pickup scheduling and kids dealing with different homework expectations from week to week. It's "awesome" when separated parents can both show up for their child's first day of school and co-operate, says Deb Walushka-Longphee, a negotiator at Fairway Divorce Solutions in Victoria, B.C. If adults can't manage that, the parent who doesn't have the child that day is better off sharing the experience later on. "It's in the best interest of the child to have involvement from both parents with schooling," Walushka-Longphee says. Both parents can watch their child in the school play but must respect the other parent's time with the child. At a special performance, that might mean bringing along a friend or grandparent if they can't sit amicably together. Parents can't dictate what happens in their co-parents' homes, but both need to be responsible for homework and projects, Walushka-Longphee says. When parents separate, it's up to the child to accommodate an awful lot by default and grow up more quickly, Eakle says. "If they're going to different homes, that's just how it's going to be." So parents are under much more pressure to "really take the high road" and constantly think about how what they're about to say or do will affect their children. The solution is, of course, putting the children's needs first, but it's a "tricky thing" to do that, Eakle says. "We always want to make that our priority, but our feelings get in there all the time." Katherine Dednya, Calgary Herald
The Smart Divorce author Deborah Moskovitch offers some basic back-to-school help for parents who have decided to separate in September. Get thee to the principal’s office To avoid awkward moments between your child and a teacher unaware of the new family dynamics, try to eke out a moment with a principal or vice-principal, who can relay the news. “They know how to handle it with their teachers,” says Ms. Moskovitch, adding that this is crucial if pick ups are being handled by a parent unfamiliar to staff. “Parents often change the guard at school, rather than going to the other parents home to pick up the children. This way, the teachers are aware of what’s happening if they see another parent they’re not used to seeing.” Get on the school list If you weren’t the parent manning the school email list, get your own account now. Ms. Moskovitch said “Make sure you get report cards mailed to you – register your second address. If there are field trips, you can put your name on the list to be one of the parenting guides. It shows the kids that you care and want to be involved. Homework for all Moving out doesn’t exempt a parent from helping the kids with their homework, especially if they’re particularly strong in a subject. “If you were married, the kids would come home from school, have snacks and maybe some play-time, and then they would do their homework.” Recreate that discipline at your place. Be flexible with visits Between mountains of homework and extracurricular events, your children’s dance cards will fill up fast. Wednesday night pizza may not always be an option; try a lunch on the weekend or during the week if the school allows children to leave the grounds. “The parent cant’ take it as a negative e if the kids are busy with their friends doing school projects or hockey. They have to be creative in how they spend time with their kids, whether that’s driving to the activities or having a quick dinner. Have the talk – most parents don’t Ms Moskovitch urges parents to speak with their children about the separation and anticipate their questions: Where will they live and go to school? “You need to give them a sense of security if they’re already going to start the school year with a heavy heart because they don’t know what’s going on, at least you can try to minimize the confusion by having that conversation.” Zosia Bielski, Globe and Mail
September is the cruelest month for students, but not for divorce lawyers, as the dusky end of summer brings a swell of clients to their offices each year. “Fall is back to business time,” says Julia Cornish, senior family lawyer of Sealy Cornish Coulthard. The Halifax firm sees two spikes a year – September and January, New Year’s resolution time. “Because we all spent so many years in school, it’s a point in our lives where we’ve been conditioned that this is when we do something new,” Mr. Cornish said. Her offices sees double and sometimes triple the normal number of calls in September. These are from new clients, as well as those who had initiated the separation process in spring, but let it languish over the summer months. “People want to get moving,” said Greg Walen, family lawyer with Scharfstein Gibbings Walen Fisher in Saskatoon. “They’re back to work, they’re back from summer holidays, and they’re back in town from the lake.” According to Statistics Canada, the country saw 70,226 divorces in 2008, a number that’s help fairly steady since 2001. While there’s no official exit poll in September, Canadian divorce lawyers seem to agree: the calls come thick and fast this month. Dinyar Marzban, senior family lawyer with Jenkins Marzban Logan in Vancouver says empty nests motivate the September divorce spike. “Fall comes around and children go to school. The category of people who rightly or wrongly hung in there for the children, maybe the last one’s gone away to university in September. There’s a fair amount of that, people waiting till the last kids’ out of the house. He points out that this brand of waiting game is usually reserved for couples who experience a “general dissatisfaction” in their marriages, not the cut-throat betrayals that prompt high conflict, low patience splits. Many couples will have stewed for months or years before making the September phone call: “I don’t’ think people’s marriages break down then. It’s just that they start phoning lawyers then,” Mr. Marzban said. For people waiting it out through a summer of family-filled days, ‘the dialogue they have with themselves is “can I hang in, should I hang in?’” Ms. Cornish said. “It’s the same things as trying to get through Christmas: Let’s get through this. Unless something catastrophic happens, nobody decides on Christmas Eve, ‘Sometime today, I need to go see a divorce lawyer.’ What they say is ‘I’m thinking this probably can’t go on much longer. I’m going to get through Christmas, then come January, it’s time to make a change.’ Of course, there are regional differences. Wendy Best, family lawyer with Dunphy Best Bloxom in Calgary says that while city lawyers do see a jump in September, the real surge comes after July’s Stampede. “We think it’s because everyone’s out Stampeding having a grand old time drinking non-stop starting at & in the morning. There’s all these stupid ridiculous sayings like ‘It ain’t cheating, it’s Stampeding.’ The Other person’s saying ‘Thanks, I’m done with you.’” Stampeding aside, several factors make summer an unpopular time for initiating a divorce. “It’s not a lot of fun spending a beautiful summer day in your lawyer’s office,” Ms. Cornish points out. Mr. Marzban sees it as a seasonal lethargy: “People tend not to do anything in the summer. Summer, everybody powers down a bit. Another more tangible reason would be that all-inclusive get away you splurged on together. “Do you want to spring that on your partner before you go on the two-week holiday you’ve planned and saved for?” Ms. Cornish posits. She adds that for those itching to split, summer also offers little in the way of momentum. “Its frustrating if you are trying to get things done, only to hear that your spouse is on vacation for the next two weeks, then their lawyer’s on vacation for the next couple of weeks and then your lawyer’s on vacation. Typically courts have a much quieter schedule in the summer as well.” At the same time, Ms. Cornish suggests summer can be the only time left in the year for reflection, a pause that can then spark the September phone call. “It’s an opportunity to step back from the daily grind, figure out what’s working and what’s not in your life.” Zosia Bielski, Globe and Mail
You think weddings are expensive? Try a divorce. Most people are completely unaware of how financially devastating it can be to break up a marriage, says Laurie Campbell, executive director of Credit Canada. "The biggest mistakes I see are people underestimating how much it will cost, not preparing for that ahead of time and using credit to supplement their financial needs which can land them in serious trouble,” she says. The complexity and cost of each divorce depends o9n the couples’ situation; whether they own a home, whether they have kids, whether they are both working, and also, whether it is an amicable split. Dividing a huge asset like a family home is a challenge, Ms. Campbell says. If they cannot agree or afford to have one person buy the other out, the couple can sell the house and split the money. But dividing debt is even more complicated, Ms. Campbell says. “We see this here all the time – where one spouse has racked up joint debt and the other spouse is on the hook.” If you are thinking about getting a divorce, Ms. Campbell suggests you think about these financial considerations. Whose debt is it? Decide who will be responsible for the debt you as a couple have incurred – things like credit cards, lines of credit and mortgages. If you have a secondary credit card, you will be considered responsible for the debt – unless you can prove that you never used it. Educate yourself If your partner has been responsible for looking after the family finances, brush up on your financial literacy. If you have been a stay at home parent, your work skills will also need to be updated. To cut costs, look into free courses via community agencies or the government. Check your credit rating Even if you trust your spouse, order your personal and joint credit report from each of the two credit-reporting agencies, Equifax and Trans Union. If unknown debts have been racked up under your name, overlooking this could cost years in debt repayments. If you have signed up for any type of credit and your spouse used it, you are responsible. Pare back your lifestyle Be prepared to live without the perks that your relationship affords you and your children. The cleaning lady, your children’s summer camps, overseas holidays as well as lavish spending on clothing and dinners out might have to go. This may be your new reality. Create an emergency fund You never know when you’re going to get mad and throw in the towel with your relationship, so it’s a good idea to set aside some mad money. Ideally, save between three and six months of living expenses to cover rent, utilities, food, transportation, and other necessities. Create your single-life financial plan Freedom does not come cheap. You will need to figure out moving expenses, first and last months’ rent, utility deposits and other expenses you will need to move on with your new life. If you need help creating a budget, contact your financial planner or visit a not-for-profit credit-counselling agency for assistance. Get a lawyer Find out your legal rights prior to proceeding with divorce. By doing your homework, you may be able to save time and money. Look up the Federation of Law Societies of Canada for the list of lawyers near you. A lawyer will help you decide how to divide things like the family house and cottage, as well as investments like TFSAs, RRSPs, and so on. The taxman cometh When dividing up your assets, look into the tax implications of the assets you each take and try to reduce the taxman’s share. For example with both a home and cottage should know once they separate, they will be able to use principal residence exemptions to shelter properties from tax. So, it would make sense for each of them to take one of the properties. Roma Luciw, Globe and Mail
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